Masochistic

So much homework, so much class, so amazing!!!!!!! I don’t even get  why I love it so much.

TW: Sexual Assault

I am fucking livid to hear that people around me are being sexually assaulted, period. Let alone that it is by people we know, trust, and care about. This disgusts me that  our male ‘allies’ are taking advantage of the wonderful womyn in my life and are ignoring the exact same things that they promote, that being CONSENT. With struggling though a community broken by sexual assault, being faced with my own experience, and now seeing allies as perpetrators I am infinitely enraged and disturbed. What the fuck. It seems like so many people in my life are ‘dropping like flies’ the majority of womyn I know have unfortunately experienced sexual assault. Thankfully we’ve been able to find trust and love amongst one another by sharing our stories and revealing that we’re not alone, we’re not going to judge, and that we will believe you. Having fear that someone will not believe you based on the ‘oh that guy is the most wonderful he’d ever do that’ spiel is awful. So it looks like this one will be messy and similar to the rest…let’s see what this person will be accountable for and his actions into the future. Fuck.

Opening

This week I had the spontaneous delight of going to Toronto to see Tera Melos and to visit my dearest friends. I really didn’t care about the music, I just wanted to hold and speak to the ones who I care most. It was so nice to surprise them. 

I was able to get real and talk to two of my girlfriends and tell them how I have been feeling lately. Fortunately, it was all positive, which surprised me and made me feel really great. I disclosed my journey with being on medications and how they have helped me feel like myself again, it’s actually incredible. Scary as well, but it’s temporary so I’m not going to feel odd yet. 

I stayed with my friend in Guelph and we just cuddled and moseyed around downtown. It was really nice to catch up and reflect on the past several months.

Two of the most important things I realized were that it was a terrifying couple months when I was depressed, anxious, sad, and scared to the point of it being out of my control completely and I realized the sheer importance and significance of two of my friends from home visiting me once throughout all of that.

Saying things out loud really stirred up my emotions in a good way. I was able to realize that I did the right things by seeking outside help for my well-being seeing as I exhausted my own capacity to stabilize myself. That it was a scary time, losing yourself.
After the assault when my friends visited we went out for dinner then went out to a bar to dance. I do not go out often, nor do I go to dance…so I commend them on coming to visit and just going along with whatever I wanted to do. I never realized how much I was avoided it and how they came to check up on me. I was completely numb at that time and it is interesting to reflect on that now.  

As my healing journey continues I have to say it is nice to be out of my previous living situation. I have gained some wonderful new neighbours by moving next door and I do not have to be in the room where I was assaulted any more. It feels relieving. I feel a bit better, despite hitting my head off the angular walls in my room now!

This is what healing looks like. 

Ran and power walked 5 km today! :} So proud…the beginning of not being intimidated by my free gym pass :S

Homemade granola.

Bougin’ like a boss. Mimosas at noon…alone…with eggs benedict…and sunshine…and Quarks & Quirks on CBC radio talking about why vermin can’t vomit. HA.

Taming the Clay II

Today was my last day creating pieces. I made a bunch of vulva-looking, phallic infused calla lilies for my friends, a wavy bowl, some plate-like dishes, and trimmed up a bowl that I threw on the wheel. I got to glaze my first mug, Michael’s space mug! And I got to get my two tea cups all ready for glazing next week! Horray!  

Tides

I sea you, over the waves.
Keep the sirens coming,
they’re down by the oars.

Don’t let the winds wisp you away,
tucked behind a longing ear.

Listen as they once dived down,
down into your shores.

-Rachelle Marek 

I forget to post when I’m occupied, relaxed, and generally happy. But I thought I’d post something positive. Things are feeling great right now.